I’m gonna be honest with y’all – I had no idea what to write this week! I was genuinely scratching my head and staring into space, asking God to give me a remotely interesting idea. And God – through my friends – gave me such ideas as “do a power ranking of monkey movies,” “write about how you hate The Last Song and other Nicholas Sparks movies,” and my personal favorite, “make a list of the boys you’ve kissed as different objects.” I entertained all of these ideas for roughly three seconds and then decided that they were terrible (although I have been chuckling to myself for days about “monkey power ranking” and might follow up on that once I familiarize myself with the genre). So, this post is coming late because I needed the ideas to cook and the energy to pursue them to build.
I ended up taking the structure of the first idea (rankings), the format of the second idea (high school movies), and an ingredient from the third idea (boys) and came up with what follows: a tournament bracket of high school movie boyfriends.
Let’s Get into it:
I won’t comment on every match (until the final four), but I will highlight some key matches throughout the rounds. Head’s up: this post might get cut off on your email browser, so you might need to read it on the Substack app/website. :)
ROUND ONE:
Chip Dove Vs. Paulie Bleaker:
A battle of Diablo Cody boyfriends! Considering these characters side by side only emphasizes Diablo Cody’s unique ability to write and read teenagers and ultimately shows how and why girls like the boys they do. Chip Dove is a very annoying boyfriend (to me), so he is pretty easily beaten by Paulie Bleaker. But I think this pair is fun because they are great foils. If Chip is annoying and possessive, Paulie is pleasant and secure. Chip, in a lot of ways, feels like the boyfriend you might want in high school (he’s super clingy) but the reality is, you should be dating a Paulie.
Kyle Scheible Vs. John Tucker:
This is a tough one because both are terrible. Kyle is the moody, “sensitive” boy tortured by his unique awareness of how completely broken the world is. He’s a nihilist on the political grounds that there is no reason for hope. On the other hand, John Tucker is so self-involved he couldn’t care less about the political state of anything. He’s a classic 90’s high school figure, so preoccupied with his status as a man that his one goal in life is to continue to grow his power through sex and physical prowess. John Tucker was a fuckboy before we had such a term. Despite this, I’m going with John because he has marginal growth, and Kyle will only become more insufferable once he goes to college and reads Marx.
Troy Bolton VS. Jake:
I fear the messages I will get for cutting Tory Bolton so fast, but honestly, what even makes him a boyfriend other than calling Gabriella (Vanessa Hudgens) his girlfriend? I received some trusted advice on this match-up, and the conclusion across the board is that Troy is barely a boyfriend. As I asked one friend, “Are they together because they’re just two hot people in a room?” I am unfamiliar with the trilogy, but I’m under the impression that Troy steps up as a boyfriend in later films. But you know who was always a great boyfriend, even before he was officially a boyfriend??? Jake. And before I hear shit about “oh, but he liked Lindsey Lohan’s mom for a bit,” – yes and no. He liked Anna’s personality above everything, whether she was in her own body or her mom’s. This is to say he is a (young) man of substance.
Aaron Samuels Vs. Ferris Bueller:
I think people forget that Ferris Bueller is a boyfriend. And I say this because *I* forgot Ferris Bueller is a boyfriend. But he is. I think this is another match-up that folks might disagree with. Still, I think Ferris is a better boyfriend if only because Aaron Samuels is such an apathetic boyfriend toward Regina. He likes her, but he so clearly likes Katy (Lindsey Lohan) more. I can’t know that and, in good conscience, say he’s a better boyfriend than Ferris when Ferris is so enamoured with Sloane. Her last line in the film is literally, “I’m gonna marry him one day.” And I believe her. That’s her man for real!
ROUND TWO:
Lloyd Dobler VS. Luke:
I think this one came down to recency bias. I tried to rewatch Waves a few weeks ago and got so overwhelmed and sad from the first hour that I couldn’t make it to when Lucas Hedges becomes a proper character. But for only seeing the whole film once and in 2019, Luke has made a deep impression on me because Lucas Hedges plays him with such lightheartedness without losing a sense of earnestness. He’s goofy and simple and tender and sweet. But
I think in my heart, of all the boyfriends in this tournament, Lloyd Dobler is the one I would actually want be my boyfriend. I love how attentive he is, how his closest friends are women, how he’s also one of the guys, and how happy he is to throw everything he has into his relationship. In the last scene of the film he and Diane are on a plane, and she’s nervous because she’s never flown before. Lloyd takes her hand and explains that once the pilot switches off the “buckle seat belt” light, they are safe. We watch as they sit tensely, waiting for the sign that all is well. I once said that that scene perfectly captures the kind of love I want: someone who will sit with me as I wait for the sign that everything will be okay and who will celebrate with me when it is. Lloyd is a great boyfriend.
Link Larkin VS. George McFly:
It's a battle of the 60s boyfriends! And listen, I don’t have evidence that George McFly is racist, but I do have evidence that Link Larkin is anti-racist. And he’s pro-fat-people. AND a good dancer. They just don’t make ‘em like that anymore. Also, this is a plus for Zac Efron, who got kicked out on the Troy Bolton entry.
Edward Cullen VS. Michael Moscovitz:
I think there’s a world where these two could be friends. Like, If Edward weren’t a vampire who is so socially awkward and has a weird vampire family, I think it’s likely that he would be in Michael’s band. There’s a scene in The Princess Diaries where a girl tells her friend about Michael, “He fixes cars, plays guitar, and he can sing. He’s so hot.” She makes excellent points. He has a skill, a hobby, and is hot. Not included in that description is the fact that he has a sister (a real plus for any man) and is also quiet. He hardly speaks. It’s beautiful. He is a quiet man who speaks only when necessary, which means he never says anything dumb. Wow. And not for nothing, but Robert Schwartzman is the lead vocalist of Rooney, which was one of my favorite bands as a teen. <3
ROUND THREE:
Patrick Verona VS. Paulie Bleaker:
It pains me to say this, but Paulie Bleaker is a better boyfriend than Patrick Verona. Those who know me well know that 10 Things I Hate About You is an essential text of mine. Patrick is truly one of my longest-enduring crushes. He’s so charming and beautiful and smart and sweet. But he’s also a liar. Or, maybe he’s not a liar, but he did tell one big lie, and Paulie never lied to Juno. So, for that reason, I must advance Paulie Bleaker.
Patrick VS. Michael Moscovitz:
Okay, scratch what I said earlier, THESE GUYS would be friends. Like, they might already be friends despite living in different movie universes. Both are sensitive, long-haired, guitar-playing boys, which I like very much. But I think because we get to see more of Patrick and particularly navigate a social climate where his love interest, Mary, is being ostracized, I’m compelled to think that Patrick is the better boyfriend. I think Michael would also agree.
ROUND FOUR:
Paulie Bleaker VS. Lloyd Dobler:
For me, this really came down to the fact that Lloyd Dobler is dating a woman with a smaller personality, and Paulie Bleaker is dating Juno. Diane, while nice and perfectly pleasant, is ultimately flat. It’s a Jim and Pam situation where the woman’s personality is much more muted, which allows the man’s personality to sparkle. Paulie is not the star of his relationship. Juno is. Which I think is how it should be in heterosexual relationships. While there’s an argument to be made that Diane is the star because it’s her life that drives the main plot points of the film, I think that the movie, in general, is much more interested in arguing that Lloyd is the star because he’s so willing to be deferential. Diane is just the stage for the Lloyd show.
Peter Kavinsky VS. Patrick:
When I put this bracket together, I was confident Peter would win. As is well documented across the internet, Peter Kavinsky is practically perfect. Peter has boyish charm in a broad body and a voice that sounds like a hug – easy, comforting, warm, intentional. Peter gets along with Lara Jean’s family. He drives. He’s an athlete. Again, he’s perfect. But Peter is also pretty hung up on his ex, which is hard to sit with when considering him against Patrick, who only has eyes for Mary. I don’t think Peter is a bad boyfriend, but I can’t say he’s the best.
FINAL ROUND:
Paulie Bleaker VS. Patrick
So it all came down to teen pregnancy, huh? This final match is honestly a surprise, but upon further reflection, it makes a lot of sense. As a teen, I was deeply afraid of getting pregnant despite being completely sexless. But it was a legitimate fear. Again, my goal was to go to college, and literally, everyone around me assured me that a pregnancy would mean I would never go to school or become who I wanted to be. Given that I grew up in a working-class, immigrant neighborhood and among a lot of people who didn’t go to college, I understand why pregnancy was framed as a barrier to education. So, it makes sense that as I moved through this bracket, I decided that the best boyfriends are the ones that deal with what would have been my worst nightmare as a high schooler. And to their credit, they navigate teen pregnancy very well.
In Saved, Patrick is the new student at a Christian High School where Mary, his love interest, is hiding her unplanned pregnancy. Mary had premarital sex with her boyfriend, Dean, after he told her he’s gay because Jesus came to her and told her that was what she needed to do to save him. Of course, it doesn’t work, and Mary is left unsure of her faith and what to do next. Although she is able to hide her pregnancy for a long time, she becomes somewhat withdrawn from the mainstream group at school, raising eyebrows. However, Patrick is interested in Mary from the second he meets her, and even as he learns about her pregnancy, he remains interested in her and searches for ways to support her. He defends her in front of others. He doesn’t let her speak poorly about herself. He’s a really good boyfriend when it would have been easy for him to be nothing more than an acquaintance. Honestly, I don’t know if anyone I went to high schools with would have been okay with their girl having a kid, much less by another (young) man. I think it shows Patrick's real maturity, which I admire now as an adult and would have loved as a teenager.
But Patrick’s no Paulie Bleaker. Like Patrick, Paulie is only interested in Juno. He loves her through pregnancy. He loves her when she’s being mean or difficult. He loves her when she seems pretty uninterested in loving him. He’s consistent and reliable and patient. Above all, he supports Juno inher decisionss about their child and understands that’s his role.
In one of the film's last scenes, when Juno is giving birth, Paulie is at a track meet. Through voiceover, we hear Juno explain that she didn’t call him because she knew it was a big race. We watch as he crosses the finish line, and when he realizes she isn’t there, he knows that she’s in labor and we watch as he runs out of the stadium. When he arrives at the hospital, she jokes, “Nice legs,” and greets him with a big smile. Wordlessly, he goes to her and climbs into the bed with her. We see tears falling from Juno’s eyes and hear her breath catch with relief as she takes his hand and draws it closer to her. It’s a scene that so sweetly captures how a lot of partnership is giving room for the other to grow, to do what they need to do, to run their race, and coming back together again.
Paulie Bleaker is the best high school movie boyfriend.